Who's Cheatin' Who
by GeminiFaerie
Summary: Songfic based on the Alan Jackson song. Severus has the extreme misfortune to see first-hand the love life's of some of his students; Harry is with Ginny, Ron with Hermione-but wait? That's not Harry's lap Ginny is sitting on! And why is Hermione with Blaise? Ron just went into another girls cabin-and who is Harry with? Read to find out! Crackfic! Slashfic-not graphic.


This story was inspired by and uses the lyric's of the song "Who's Cheatin' Who" by Alan Jackson.

AN: There are mentions of Slash (MXM) but nothing graphic; DM/HP, HP/GW, HG/RW, HG/TN, and many others. This is also different from my other stories, as it is not rated M; it was just a silly little fic that came to my mind when I hear the song tonight. Hoope you enjoy!

Severus Snape glared at the headmaster; Albus Dumbledore had enacted yet another of his mad schemes to enforce-sorry encourage-House Unity and-once again-he, Severus, must suffer for it.

"Let me get this straight," He began in a cold voice you wish for myself and Minerva to take a group of students from years five through six to a Muggle-style retreat for two weeks? And this is supposed to encourage House Unity how?"

"Well, naturally we will assign students from each house to a single cabin and they will have to work together if they wish to stay in comfortable lodgings," Dumbledore said in his 'I'm so reasonable and I always know what's best so how can you doubt me now' voice, "The groups who cooperate the best will receive prizes to make their cabin more comfortable. Now, you should go make preparations while myself and Professor Flitwick assign the groups." Severus shot another glare at the headmaster before sweeping out of the room, black robes billowing behind him in the style he had perfected.

On his way down to the dungeons Severus saw several couples snogging in hidden alcoves and gleefully took points, assigning detentions to repeat offenders. By the time he reached his rooms he had taken points from Potter and the Weasley Girl, her older brother and Granger, Lovegood and Longbottom, the Parvati sisters and the Weasley twins, and he had given Draco and Pansy as well as Blaise and Daphne a soft reprimand for getting caught. All-in-all his mood was greatly improved-until he saw the house elf waiting to pack his things for the two-week trip and his scowl returned with even more force; if he had to put up with a group of dunderheads for an entire two weeks with only McGonagall for help he would do his best to make sure that everyone else was just as miserable as him.

The next morning after breakfast the fifth, six and seventh years were asked to stay behind so that Dumbledore could inform them of the upcoming trip. The idiot Gryffindor's cheered-of course-while the Ravenclaws looked excited at the new learning opportunity, the Hufflepuff's looked frightened when they heard that Severus would be supervising, and his Slytherin's just looked disgusted. As his eyes roamed the Great Hall Severus noted with dismay that all four of the remaining Weasley children would be on this trip, along with-of course-Potter and Granger, the annoying Creevey boy with his camera, Zacharias Smith-the other know-it-all in the group of sixth years-and the always insufferable Longbottom. Well, at least he knew who the students were involved with, which would make it much easier for him to interfere with their attempts at sneaking off in the middle of the night.

Severus turned his attention back to the headmaster when the groups of house-mates were being announced.

To Severus' extreme displeasure, he discovered he would be in charge of the boys going on the trip, and Weasley and Draco had been assigned to the same cabin; had the old coot lost his mind? Even Potter and Draco could work together better than Weasley and Draco; perhaps he would have to switch the arrangements around a little.

Severus glared at the room in general as Dumbledore finished giving out the house assignments and instructions, and he swept out of the room as soon as he was able to; he needed to pack more headache potions and calming draughts if he was going to be forced to deal with Weasley on a regular basis.

(Cabin assignments-the important ones-Harry, Blaise, Zacharias, Terry Boot/Ron, Draco, Ernie/ Neville, Theo Nott, Justin Finch-Fletchly/Ginny, Luna/Hermione, Padma, Pansy, Hannah/Parvati, Cho, Daphne Greengrass, Susan Abbott)

One week later it was the first night of the two week trip and Severus was sitting in his cabin reading through some essays that his fourth years had turned in; he had set up wards to let him know if any of his students left their cabin, and so far-at ten minutes to midnight-there hadn't been any alarms. Severus frowned as he thought about it-surely at least one of the students should have tried to sneak out by now. Setting the papers down, Severus looked out his window and scowled as he saw Ginny Weasley slipping quietly across the grounds, along with Harry Potter; they must have disabled his wards somehow. Severus quickly got up and opened his door, ready to stop their "romantic" meeting, but stopped and stared in confusion when he saw Ginny continue on to the cabin the Longbottom was in, while Harry went to Ron's cabin; perhaps Potter wanted to talk to Weasley? But then what was Ginny up to? He then saw Granger head to the cabin that Harry had been in-was she trying to find Potter to talk to him? No, after fifteen minutes no one came out, and Severus made up his mind to go see what the students were up to.

_Everywhere you look you can write a book_  
_On the trouble with a woman and a man_  
_But you can not impose, you can't stick your nose_  
_Into something that you don't understand._

_But still you wonder_  
_Who's cheatin' who, who's being true_  
_Who don't even care anymore_  
_It makes you wonder who's doing right with someone tonight_  
_And who's car is parked next door._

Severus decided to take care of Ginny first, as she was the youngest; he entered the cabin and was disgusted at the sight before him.

"Weasley! Longbottom! Stop that disgusting display immediately!" Ginny squealed as Neville jumped to his feet, knocking the hapless red-head to the floor.

"P-professor!" Neville stammered, "I-we were-I didn't-"

"I know very well what you two were doing, and that's fifteen points from Gryffindor," he snapped, "Fifteen points a piece. You will return to you cabin at once Ms. Weasley, and if you leave again before breakfast you will lose another twenty points and earn a week's detention; out-now!"

"Yes sir," Ginny mumbled, "I'll see you later Nev." Severus followed Ginny back to her cabin and reset the wards before going to Get Granger.

"This is ridiculous!" Snape said, startling Granger who looked up at him with wide eyes from where she was laying on the couch on top of Blaise; at least they both had clothes on. "I expected better of one of my students; and you! I thought you were with Weasley Ms. Granger! Two cheaters in Gryffindor-my, my how the mighty have fallen. Fifteen points from Gryffindor for sneaking into the boys cabin and five points from Slytherin for being with an insufferable know-it-all. Now, back to your cabin!"

"Yes sir," Granger said quickly, but Severus did not miss the quick peck on the lips that she gave Blaise before getting up. "By the way sir, what Ron and I do is none of your business, and I'd appreciate you not telling him about this."

"I will leave that up to you," Severus sneered as she entered her cabin, "You are not to leave again until breakfast if you know what's good for you." He slammed the door and re-did the wards; he turned to go back to his cabin, only to see Lovegood sneaking over to the cabin that he had just expelled Granger from; how did they cancel out his wards so quickly? And since when did Lovegood cheat? As he headed after Lovegood he saw a flash of red out of the corner of his eye and turned just in time to see one of the Weasley's-he assumed it was one of the twins-enter the cabin that housed one of the Patil twins and his student Daphne; he also saw the Creevey boy sneak into the cabin that Ginny was supposedly still in, and knew this would be a long night.

_I thought I knew her well, I really couldn't tell_  
_That she had another lover on her mind_  
_You see it felt so right when she held me tight_  
_How could I be so blind?_

_But still you wonder_  
_Who's cheatin' who, who's being true_  
_Who don't even care anymore_  
_It makes you wonder who's doing right with someone tonight_  
_And who's car is parked next door._

Severus told off Lovegood, but instead of sending her back to her cabin he had her stay with him; of course, the flighty Ravenclaw blamed it all on Nargles, and kept talking about them as he collected the Creevey boy, but before he could go after Weasley he saw Ginny sneak into one of the seventh year cabins and hurried to get her before anything untoward could happen. As he hauled Ginny out of the cabin, he saw Theo open the door of his cabin for one of the Patil girls, with Granger right behind her. With a sigh he collected those two girls; he finally returned to Ginny and Luna's cabin, only to turn around and discover that they had vanished.

"Granger! Patil! Return to your cabins immediately!" He snarled, "You two Creevey or I'll-"

"Padma?" Ernie MacMillan stepped out of his cabin, looking confused, "Where have you been?"

"I was visiting Justin," Padma said sheepishly. "But Ernie, I-"

"Justin?!" the betrayal was evident on his face, "You told me what happened last night with Fred was just a one-time thing; you swore you wouldn't cheat on me again! How could you?"

"I'm sorry Ernie," Padma replied softly, "But you just...I have a-"

"Don't bother," Ernie cut her off, "It's over Padma."

"Ernie?" the Hufflepuff's eyes widened as he turned to see a seething Daphne standing behind him; "What do you mean 'it's over'? You told me you ended it a week ago!"

"Daphne! I did! I mean-we just-we got back together, but it was a mistake!" Ernie said quickly, "I thought you were fooling around with Ron so Padma and I-"

"Well, I was fooling around with Ron!" Daphne announced, "In fact, I was on my way to fool around with him right now!" Severus thought he should be thankful that Daphne had no idea Ron was already in her cabin, but her couldn't help but wonder who the red-head was with.

_A heart is on the line each and every time_  
_Love is stolen in the shadows of the night_  
_Though it's wrong all along it keeps going on_  
_As long as you keep it outta sight._

_But still you wonder_  
_Who's cheatin' who, who's being true_  
_Who don't even care anymore_  
_It makes you wonder who's doing rigth with someone tonight_  
_And who's car is parked next door._

"That's it! Everybody back to their cabins now!" Severus shouted, catching everyone's attention; Snape never shouted-he sneered, he insulted, he spoke in a threatening voice, but he never, ever, shouted. Within just a few moments the students around him had dispersed, and Severus was free to go after Luna and Ginny; he found both of them-Both!-in Longbottom's cabin, fighting over the clueless Gryffindor. Severus drug them back to their own cabin, and locked them in just in time to see Ron getting tossed out of the cabin that Daphne had just been sent back to.

"Weasley! Another fifteen points from Gryffindor," Severus snapped, grabbing Ron by the ear, "Cheating on Granger; my my-you Gryffindor's are certainly shedding some light on your true character this evening."

"Please," Ron scoffed, "Everyone's running around tonight-and I already know what Hermione's been up to, so this is only fair; if she can't be faithful then why should I?"

"I really could care less about your lovelife," Severus sneered as he followed Ron into his cabin, "I would, however, like to know why Potter's in your cabin if you were elsewhere."

"Harry's here?" Severus could tell the red-head was genuinely surprised, "I never even saw him. I bet he and Malfoy got into a fight! They're probably duelling right now!"

"Idiot boy!" Severus sneered, "Which room is Draco in?" Ron pointed to a door and then followed Severus as he opened it; what they saw was enough to make Ron pass out from shock.

"Draco! Potter!" Severus cried, "What in Merlin's beard-?!"

"Professor!" Harry tried to get off the bed, but Draco was lying on top of him, pinning him down; "Get off me Draco!"

"No," Draco said, "It's my room, you're my boyfriend, and now that I've finally got you in my bed I won't be letting you go that easily."

"Draco! You let him up this instant!" Severus commanded, "Don't you know he's with Ginny? I saw them together last night! Really; taking a Weasley's cast-offs; how low can you sink?"

"I know perfectly well where he was last night," Draco said calmly, stretching out so that his body completely covered Harry's, leaving the brunet with little room to struggle; Severus also happened to cath sight of a love-bit blossoming on the Gryffindor's neck; "Harry and I have been together for two months now, but the Weaslette said Harry belonged with her and that one hour together would make him see that, so I agreed; needless to say Harry came back to me, as if there was ever any doubt."

"I-I am going to bed," Severus said, "When I wake up tomorrow I am going to pretend this whole night was a nightmare, and I don't ever-EVER-want you to tell me otherwise. Never let me see the two of you together again." He turned to walk out the door, but the paused, "Oh, and Potter? That's fifty points from Gryffindor for corrupting my godson, and forty-five points to Gryffindor for having sense enough not to choose Ginerva." He shut the door before either boy could say anything, stepped over the still unconscious Ron, and headed back to his cabin, intent on having a glass of Firewhiskey, and perhaps taking a dose of Forgetfulness potion. Yes, tonight was definitely a night he did not want to remember.

_But still you wonder_  
_Who's cheatin' who, who's being true_  
_Who don't even care anymore_  
_It makes you wonder who's doing right with someone tonight_  
_And who's car is parked next door._


End file.
